Probably the deepest retreat experience I’ve had. It really was like no other & this was felt by everyone. So much so, that everyone either stayed on after the retreat or arranged to return to spend time in the community – like coming home. The backdrop of the house and vast mountains surrounding felt perfect and somehow reflected the deep reverence of the retreat.
People arrived at different times and it felt as if the Holy Spirit put all the pieces in place at the perfect moment. We each shared our prayer for the retreat and mine was to ‘go deeper.’
As if to confirm the prayer, I saw the cover of the book, ‘Going Deeper’ by David Hoffmeister in my mind. It’s a droplet joining an expanse of water. Wow!
It seemed as if we’d all known each other forever and there wasn’t a need for ‘settling in’ – we felt safe and just dove straight in. Anything that needed to be raised up for healing was allowed by each participant from the start. It was definitely going to be deep.For myself, the biggest shift came when I was able to see an intensely painful and looping thought pattern. This was the prayer Jenny read just before my breakthrough:
“My holy brother, I would enter into all your relationships, and step between you and your fantasies. Let my relationship to you be real to you, and let me bring reality to your perception of your brothers. They were not created to enable you to hurt yourself through them. They were created to create with you. This is the truth that I would interpose between you and your goal of madness. Be not separate from me, and let not the holy purpose of Atonement be lost to you in dreams of vengeance. Relationships in which such dreams are cherished have excluded me. Let me enter in the Name of God and bring you peace, that you may offer peace to me.” T-17.III.10:1-8
And then I saw it. Spirit brought my attention to what was happening inside my mind and I’d never been so consciously aware of this ingrained pattern before. I’m not very comfortable with new groups of people but this time I was able to see how I was automatically comparing myself to other bodies & judging myself viciously – no wonder I’d been so uncomfortable. I was shocked at how many self-judgments arose. Now I could see clearly how I was using my brothers and sisters to hurt myself. As Jesus says, ‘they were not created for this’. I was trembling inside but in the safety of the retreat, I was able to share and lay this pattern down. It hasn’t disappeared. In fact, I did have an ego backlash straight away & this behaviour keeps showing up. But now this deeply embedded pattern is seen, it can’t be unseen. Instead, it can be released as quickly as I allow. I trust the forgiveness process and feel incredibly uplifted.
I’m so grateful to everyone who participated at such a profound level and made this miracle and others possible. I especially want to thank Jenny and Barret for holding us in love in their very gentle, yet totally uncompromising presence. So blessed are we – you both rock!